|
Learn the
cybernetic model. The cybernetic model of mutually-enhancing
communication between lovers is a feedback model. In this model,
honest communication improves relationships.
When you
confront your lover or friend and take to heart what he or she
says, you help each other grow. You feel loved and make choices
based on love. You accept, adore, cooperate and share more.
The
more you share, the more you develop judgment, competence and
individuality and actively show these to your beloved, who
lovingly yet honestly shares reactions. Use this feedback to
raise your consciousness so you perceive with greater clarity,
develop your individuality further and make better choices.
Commit to
lovers whom you accept, lovers who lovingly challenge and who
enhance you.
Challenge is
critical; in the heat of intense, authentic emotional
confrontation you give each other the feedback each of you needs
to understand how you affect each other, the feedback you need
to become a more loving person.
You risk your vulnerability with lovers you commit to--she, he
or they could reject or accept you and your growth. Stop seeing
things only your way and open to your lovers' opinions. Care
about their development.
Learn from
each other, cooperate, and make ever-more growth-enhancing
choices, based on the loving energy you share. Embrace the cycle
with your lovers and raise your sophistication as you learn from
their experience and feedback. Your growth simultaneously
contributes to their growth. As you mature from their feedback,
you can give the greater love, acceptance, cooperation and
feedback they need.
Each time
you and your sweethearts complete a cycle--choice, commitment,
vulnerability, encouragement, synergistic learning and use of
each other's reactions--you raise your consciousness.
You and your
lovers grow when you cultivate the cybernetic communication
cycle below.
You spiral
up when you let each other go separate directions around the
outer rims of the cycle wheels. When you reach the shared rim in
the middle of the chart, where clockwise merges with
counter-clockwise, you care about each other's growth. On the
shared rim, you confront and take to heart what your love says.
You help each other grow. You feel loved and make your choices
based on love. You accept, adore, cooperate and share more.
Develop
judgment, competence and individuality and actively show these
to your beloved, who lovingly yet honestly shares reactions. Use
this feedback to raise your consciousness so you perceive with
greater clarity, develop your individuality further and make
better choices.
Your growth
simultaneously contributes to your beloved’s growth. As you
mature from her or his feedback, you can give the greater love,
acceptance, cooperation and feedback she or he needs. Each time
you both complete a cycle--choice, commitment, vulnerability,
encouragement, synergistic learning and use of each other's
reactions--you raise your consciousness.
In the
exercises to follow, you and your beloved experience each of the
steps in the communication cycle. You learn to choose, see, feel
and enjoy each other, assert yourselves, know you can share. You
commit and risk; let love affect you both. You celebrate your
individuality, similarity and universality. Cooperate and
encourage each other to learn and grow by just completing the
sentences. All-in-all, the exercises and the communication cycle
teach you to use each other’s views to better yourself and
mutually make more.
Choose
To start the cycle, each says,
"I love you."
"I want you as my mate."
"I'm glad I'm your beloved."
"I want a great relationship with you."
"I want mutually delightful sexual relations with you."
See, Feel, Enjoy
Sharpen your awareness lest you dull yourself.
Understand and value the other as contradictory, multi-faceted
and complex.
Tolerate and sympathize; be reasonable and sensitive.
Love while you see and accept each other's flaws.
Seek to know each other, but avoid prying.
Show respectful regard for each other, neither indifference nor
interrogation.
Assert
Share your changing opinions with your beloved, even if it's
risky. The alternative is to say what you think the other wants
to hear. The cost of that is she or he can relate only to your
lies. Inside, you feel unknown and unloved. And you torture
yourself for lying.
Know You Can Share
You can cheer your dear with words. Or do the opposite. Some
kind, gentle words cost you little and mean a lot.
Commit
Get involved with, care about and commit to your mate.
Say what you see.
Help your darling grow. And grow up.
Say, "Beloved, I commit to your well-being and growth."
"I support you in your goals."
Risk: Let Your Love Affect You
Declare your ideas, especially about yourself.
Let your intimate influence what you think and do. Bend, adapt,
and trust.
Weigh the risk of sharing against the return of more intimacy.
Share only when you both feel trust.
Finish this sentence with each other as many times as you can:
"You don't
know I ..."
What do you dread divulging? Magnify your fear and finish
[Adapted from Shepard, M., The Do-It- Yourself
Psychotherapy Book. New York: Wyden, 1973, p. 21].
"I have secrets so bad that if you knew you'd ..."
If your mate can cope with those, complete these:
"It's hardest to tell you..."
"I risk our relation by revealing ..."
Celebrate You're Singular, Similar & Same
When you tell the truth, you and your love learn you're
different, similar and just alike. Singular, similar, and the
same.
Delight in your differences.
Similarities let you feel close. Your sameness is your spiritual
unity, the wholeness of two halves joining.
Complete to each other:
"We vary in these ways ..."
"I enjoy these differences ..."
"I see us similar inasmuch as we both ..."
"I identify with you when ..."
"Our souls connect when ..."
Grow Encouraging Each Other
Find new meanings together.
Reach out to help each other meet needs.
Encounter with care and mutual respect.
Recognize you are each equal to the other.
When you help your darling develop, you grow. You flower when
you tell your thoughts and express your emotions that help the
other mature.
Say, "Sweetheart, I think your strengths are ..." (State some.)
Then switch. Your partner tells you her of his assessment of
your admirable attributes.
Say, "If you stimulate these strengths, five years from now
you'll ..." (Complete.)
Learn from Each Other
Understand and artfully affirm each other. Stop submitting.
Don't dominate. Learn from your mate that you're more than you
think.
Complete with each other: "The most valuable thing for you to
know about yourself and how you affect me is ..."
Cooperate
Tell each other, "Let's work together and both gain ..."
“Here’s how to sexually satisfy me better...” (finish, show her,
him or them)
“How can I satisfy you better sexually?” Then do it.
Use Your Darling's View for a Better You: Integrate Feedback
Mull your mate's messages and you mature. Complete to each
other:
"When I
first saw you, I thought ..."
"Now I see
you as ..."
"You've made
me aware that to you I seem ..."
Mutually Make More
The following brings it all home.
Hold hands;
look in your love's eyes. Take turns completing the cues. If
your partner isn't present, proclaim to a pillow, pretending
it's your partner.
"How I choose to relate to you is..."
"These are the patterns we practice..."
"With you I'm ..."
"I savor these six successes sharing with you ..."
"I'm honest and caring with you when I use these skills ..."
"I promise you ..."
"I let you affect my attitudes when ..."
"I care for you in a way you can feel when ..."
"You reach out, contacting me when you ..."
"I feel known and encouraged when you ..."
|
